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3 wishes
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive
golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the
ball dont knock out any windows. Itll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the
window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright,
lets go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard
a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in
the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah, sorry about that." the husband
replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. Im a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. Youve
released me. Im allowed to grant three wishes- Ill give you each one wish, and Ill keep the last one for myself."
"OK,
great!" the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-its the least I could
do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world,"
she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And whats your wish, genie?” the husband said.
"Well,
since Ive been trapped in that bottle, I havent had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I dont
care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over,
looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes
in genies? Thats amazing."
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Ask mommy
Little Johnny and her mother were out and about. Little
Johnny, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women dont talk about their
age. Youll learn this as you get older.
Little Johnny then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weight?" Her mother responded
again, "Thats another thing women dont talk about. Youll learn this too, as you grow up."
Little Johnny still wanting
to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother,
a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I dont want to talk about
it now."
The Little Johnny , frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friends house to play. He consults with
his friend about him and her mothers conversation. His friend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mothers
drivers license. Its just like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the Little Johnny and her
mother are out and about again. The Little Johnny starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, Youre 32 years old."
The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The Little Johnny shrugs and says,
"I just know. And I know how much you weight. You weight 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?", said the mother
again.
The Little Johnny says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex." |
A bad fight
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her
minister., "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "its
not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna., "But what
am I going to do with the BODY?" |
Under stress
Morris tells his doctor, "I am under a lot of stress,
and I keep losing my temper with people, and insulting them... You have to help me, doc!"
The doctor says, "All right.
Well, lets see... Can you begin by telling me about your problem?"
Replies Morris, "I just did, you no good, son-of-a-bitch!" |
Arabs
It is the year 2032, and a father and his son walk the
streets of lower Manhattan. Approaching the site where the WTC used to be in the end of the 20th century, the father sighs
and comments, to think that right here used to be the Twin Towers...
The son, not understanding, asks his father What
are the Twin Towers? The father smiles and looks at the son, and explains, The Twin Towers were two huge buildings that used
to be here until 2001, when the Arabs destroyed them.
The son looks up to his father, and asks, And what are the Arabs? |
Sex for the first time
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner,
she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He
tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how
many condoms
hed like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks
he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house
and
meets his girlfriend at the door. Oh, Im so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in
The boy goes
inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girls parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and
bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.
10 minutes pass,
and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and
whispers to the boyfriend, I had no idea you
were this religious.
The boy turns, and whispers back, I had no idea
your father was
a pharmacist. |
12 shots
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts
drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, Dang, why are you drinking so fast?
The guy says, You
would be drinking fast if you had what I had.
The bartender says, What do you have?
The guy says, 75 cents |
CIA training
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents
took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions,
no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her
The man said,
You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job.
The second
man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the
man came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I cant kill my wife.
The agent said, You dont have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home.
Finally, it was the womans turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing,
and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped
the sweat from her brow, and said, This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.
Reasons why cookie dough is better then men
1. Its enjoyable hard or soft.
2. It makes a
mess too, but it tastes better.
3. It doesnt mind if you take your anger out on it.
4. You always want to
swallow.
5. It wont complain if you share it with friends.
6. Its quick and convenient.
7. You can enjoy
it more than once.
8. It comes already protectively wrapped.
9. You can make it as large as you want.
10.
If you dont finish it you can save it for later.
11. Its easier to get the kind you want.
12. You can comparison
shop.
13. Its easier to find in a grocery store.
14. You can put it away when youve had enough.
15.
You know yours has never been eaten before.
16. It wont complain if you chew on it.
17. It comes chocolate
flavoured.
18. You always know when to get rid of it.
19. You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.
20.
Its always ready to go.
21. You wont get arrested if you eat it in public.
22. You dont have to change the
sheets if you eat it in bed.
23. It wont wake you up because its hard.
24. You dont have to find an excuse
not to eat it.
25. You can tell your friends how much youve eaten without sounding like youre bragging.
26.
It wont take up room in your bed.
27. Its easy to pick up.
28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing
you around.
29. You know what the extra weight is from.
30. It wont get jealous if you pick up another one.
31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
32. It is very pliable.
33. You can sculpt it
into ANY form you want. |
2 guys and a genie
| So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls
out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite
beautifully. The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says Thats amazing. Where did you get him? Bill says well I got this magic
lamp with a genie So the other fellow says thats great could I use it? Bill says sure and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the
lamp and out comes the genie. He says I want a million bucks. Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks Joe
exclaims Hey I asked for 1 million BUCKS not DUCKS Bill explained Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You dont think I really asked
for a twelve inch pianist do you? | (read
the last sentence really careful if you dont get it)
broccoil
A guy walked into a restaurant and asked for some broccoli. The waiter said, Sorry, theres no broccoli.
So the
man asked for a meat pie and broccoli. The waiter said, "There is no broccoli."
So he asked for a meat pie, chips, and broccoli. The waiter replied, Spell cat, as in catastrophe.
C-A-T, the man answered.
The waiter then asked, Spell dog as in dogmatic.
The man said D-O-G.
Now spell
fuck, as in broccoli, the waiter said.
The man
yelled THERES NO FUCK IN BROCCOLI!
The waiter
laughed, EXACTLY!!"
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